Resources

Nov, 2024

by Andrea Hunsaker

Connection. Intimacy. Feeling seen, heard and safe with another person- It all starts with communication, and communicating can be compared to a game of catch. I throw a ball to you, you catch it, you throw a ball back. We’re sending messages back and forth. These messages are pieces of us. It takes trust and vulnerability. It’s no fun when you toss a ball to me and I’m picking dandelions, or we’re both throwing balls at the same time and no one is catching anything, or I nail you with a fast ball in the face. It takes practice in both sending a ball that is easily catchable and in receiving the wild throws, but getting a little better at these skills can really make a difference in the quality and intimacy of your relationships. Here are some ground rules from the Speaker/Listener Technique (Stanley et al., 1997), and the Imago Couples Dialogue (Hendrix & Hunt, 2019). 

We all have our coping strategies in times of stress. During the pandemic one of mine  was that seducing siren tonic—sugar, in all its forms. Normally, sans outbreak, I am a respectably healthy eater who takes secret pleasure in the sound of my family’s complaints when I serve quinoa and kale, but those habits can slip under pressure.  One large survey from a COVID-19 symptom study found an increase in snacking and an average gain of 7 pounds during the lockdown. So, we coped by eating junk food because we were a bit—or a lot—anxious and depressed. …Or, was it also the other way around? What if the junk food contributed to our blues? 

I’ve always suspected my stomach had a mind of its own, but recent research on the gut-brain connection brings our understanding of the power of our bellies over our mental health to a profound new level. The gut has been named the “second brain” because it contains 100 million neurons which communicate with the brain in our head through the vagus nerve and produces many of the same neurotransmitters (like serotonin, dopamine, and GABA), all of which play important roles in mood regulation. In fact, it is estimated that the bacteria in the gut produce 95% of the body's supply of serotonin. It is now thought that trouble in the microbiome of the gut may contribute to an array of diseases such as depression, anxiety, memory loss, hypertension, obesity, and type 2 diabetes. People with chronic GI disorders such as Crohn's disease, ulcerative colitis, and irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) have much higher than normal odds of also suffering from anxiety and depression. 

Dr. Leslie Korn, an expert in mental health nutrition, and author of Eat Right, Feel Right declares, “There is no doubt that nutrition affects mental health. Poor nutrition leads to and exacerbates mental illness. Optimal nutrition prevents and treats mental illness.” Observational studies support her assertion; for example, one study found that adhering to a traditional Mediterranean and anti-inflammatory diet offers some protection against depression (Lassale et al., 2019). Additionally, studies where participants ate more fruits and vegetables reported increased life satisfaction, happiness, vitality, flourishing, and well-being (Blanchflower et al., 2013; Conner et al., 2017). This is great news, because this is something we can control. Along with exercise, gratitude, and the other positive psychology strategies, nutrition is a strategy fully within our power to lead to a better life. Korn refers to the digestive system as a garden that requires a variety of the right amounts of different elements for proper function. Here are some of her suggestions:

Eat More…

• Soluble fiber (oat bran, nuts, beans, lentils, peas, chia seeds, barley, and some fruits and vegetables) and insoluble fiber (wheat bran, corn, whole grains, oat bran, seeds, nuts, brown rice, axseed, and the skins of many fruits and vegetables). Fiber increases the feeling of fullness, slows down the absorption of glucose, and absorbs water like a sponge to help push materials through the digestive tract. The Standard American Diet (which makes us SAD) is notoriously low in fiber. Women should aim for 25 and men 36 grams of fiber per day. Korn refers to fiber as the ‘soil’ for the microbiome garden which allows healthy bacteria to grow.
• Prebiotics (onions, garlic, Jerusalem artichokes, leeks, asparagus, wheat, beans, bananas, agave, dandelion, chicory root, and chia). These support the good bacteria that live in the colon.
• Probiotics or fermented foods (sauerkraut, kefer, kombucha, kimchi, miso, microalgaes, brewer’s yeast, yogurt and cheeses with live cultures, and probiotic supplements). There are 400-500 different kinds of beneficial live microorganisms that inhabit the intestines and are responsible for transforming food particles into chemical messengers that support our emotional and cognitive life.
• Anti-inflammatory foods (berries, fatty fish, broccoli, avocados, green tea, peppers, mushrooms, grapes, turmeric, extra virgin olive oil, dark chocolate and cocoa, cherries, and tomatoes). These foods are the colors of the rainbow and support mental health.
• Natural saturated fats (butter, coconut, tallow, and animal fats) polyunsaturated fats (soybean oil, corn oil, sunflower oil, nuts, seeds, leafy greens, and fatty fish such as salmon, tuna, herring, mackerel, and sardines), and monounsaturated fats (avocado, olives, olive oil, and tree nuts) all support brain health.

Eat Less…

• Sugar and refined carbohydrates (desserts, soda, energy drinks, white bread, pasta, white rice, crackers, flour tortillas, and biscuits). These foods cause unhealthful, inflammation-boosting changes to gut bacteria. Inflammation has been observed to contribute to the development of a wide range of psychiatric conditions (Pariante, 2018).
• Trans fats (commercially processed foods, crackers, chips, salad dressings, shortening, partially hydrogenated vegetable oil, margarine). Even limited amounts of trans fats have been found to disrupt the body’s ability to use essential omega-3 and omega-6 fatty acids, which are necessary for brain health and as a protection against mental illness.
• Processed meats (bacon, beef jerky, salami, hot dogs). Chemicals used to cure these meats (nitrates) have been connected to psychiatric disorders (Khambadkone et al., 2020).

With the knowledge of just how much food affects mood, I now have a new weapon in my “fueling the family” arsenal. The other night when attempting to serve sardines, I promised, “It will protect you against depression!” To which my teenager responded, “If you make me eat that, I will be depressed.” Resistant teenagers aside, Korn acknowledges that making long-lasting dietary changes doesn’t come easy. She suggests finding substitutes for the things you love - like switching out some white sugar with honey or stevia, or a traditional hot dog for an organic replacement. You might try an experiment for a few weeks and notice what happens. A review of our module on personal growth and achieving goals might also help to convert the resistant teenager within. As for me, I’ll deliberate a little longer before my next donut.

Call it a gut feeling, but I suspect she’s right.

For a deeper dive into this subject, try these sources:

Khambadkone, S. G., Cordner, Z. A., Dickerson, F., Severance, E. G., Prandovszky, E., Pletnikov, M., ... & Yolken, R. H. (2020). Nitrated meat products are associated with mania in humans and altered behavior and brain gene expression in rats. Molecular psychiatry, 25(3), 560-571. 

 

Nov 21, 2023

by Andrea Hunsaker

Gary Chapman (2015) explains that we have two choices should someone light our house on fire. We can either chase down the person responsible and get retribution while our house goes up in flames, or we can first attend to our house and then approach the offending arsonist (Chapman, 2015). Yes, the second would be the logical choice. Yet, in those hot, fiery moments, forget logic! We’d happily burn ourselves to the ground as long as our target came down with us. And that’s the tricky part of working with anger: the powerful emotion temporarily renders logic inaccessible. Here’s a plug for meditating. Research shows those who meditate have less of a reaction in their amygdala’s when shown pictures meant to stimulate strong emotions (Kral et al. 2018).In those moments, what we need is time. Psychologist John Gottman (1999) indicates that in couples arguments, when one or both of the partners are flooded (when the threat defense system is activated and the heart rate lifts above 100 bpm), it is virtually impossible for those conversations to end well. Gottman suggests agreeing to take a 20-30 minute break to self-soothe before coming back together to resolve the conflict constructively (Gottman & Silver, 1999). Slowing down will give logic a chance to come back online and give you a wider range of options to choose from.

Anger is a secondary emotion, meaning there is usually something hiding underneath it—something vulnerable like hurt or fear. Often, we go to anger because it feels better and more powerful. Yesterday I was driving down the road with no other cars in sight, and a rock hit my windshield and cracked it. Oh, come on! I was irritated, even when I couldn’t find a target for it. I hadn’t done anything wrong, and neither had anyone else. As I became curious and searched underneath the anger, I found that I had too many tasks on my list, and this was now one more: fear of how much this would cost in precious resources of time and money, and feeling loss that my pristine windshield was now cracked. When I attended to those softer emotions with compassion, the anger dissipated. 

You may ask yourself, "Is acting on my anger in this way going to get me what I really want?" This summer, I bought a second-hand nightstand with the intention of reselling it for a profit. Well, it sat in our garage for months as I slowly lowered the price and procrastinated dealing with it. One day, I noticed it was gone and learned my dear husband had donated it. My house was on fire. For about 20 minutes, I seriously thought of all the things I could donate of my husband’s: his favorite jacket, his Jeep, his dog. A part of me wanted him to hurt like I did, …or did I? When I slowed down and became curious, I saw underneath the anger there was hurt that I was perceiving he didn’t care about me. What I really wanted was to be reassured that I was important to him. I actually didn’t want to donate the dog (I like the dog more than my husband does). What I really wanted was more closeness in the relationship, not more distance. So I went to him and told him how I felt and what I really wanted, and he explained that he thought I had given up on selling it and that he was doing me a favor and never intended to hurt me. All better.

Richard Schwartz, developer of Internal Family Systems Therapy and author of No Bad Parts, has a different approach to anger. Schwartz (2021) recognizes that all our parts have good intentions. This approach uses mindfulness and self-compassion to get to know and heal our parts. From this perspective, at our core, highest self, we are calm, compassionate, balanced, courageous, and wise; however, there are parts of us that have developed extreme protective roles because they couldn’t trust our highest self to get the job done (Schwartz, 2021). These parts sometimes take over. Try looking at anger as a part of you separate from your true self that needs to take on this job because it is trying to protect you. It is working so hard to keep you safe. It’s desperately trying to be your hero. Try talking to it from your highest self, without judgment, and getting to know it. You might ask the anger:

by Andrea Hunsaker

by Andrea Hunsaker

Throughout the day I had watched Barb as she dealt with it all - the discovery of a drawer of her childrens’ drawings floating in latte colored water, the revelation that the walls had to be torn out, the appraiser breaking the news that the house was not worth restoring. She clearly felt each blow and was open about her experience, often telling us (complete strangers wearing COVID masks) about the meaning of certain lost possessions. She openly cried when she saw the handprints of her children in the concrete on the living room floor, exposed now after being hidden for years under the carpet. I could only imagine the flood of emotions she must have been experiencing then. Waves of sorrow and loss rising and breaking through the dams of social expectation to be emotionally tough. Much like the flood to this home; dismantling, unexpected, and unwelcome. What impressed me about Barb was that she still functioned through it. She made hard decisions about what needed to be done, was present with those around her, and expressed gratitude and joy. Not everyone can do that. Her husband came to drop off supplies, took a look at the destruction to his childhood home, and quite understandably, left. Difficult emotions have often been compared to water. Their weight has the potential to pull us down under an ocean of sadness, fear or anger. No wonder we try to resist, numb and escape. But as Barb knows, there are skillful ways to deal with them so they wash through us, allowing us to stay afloat.

Avoiding emotions actually makes them stronger. It’s like having a flooded house whose waters never recede, they float around in the basement growing toxic mold and infecting everything else. Research shows suppressed emotion has negative consequences on memory, blood pressure, aggression, anxiety, and depression. And there are consequences to our relationships. Have you ever found yourself thinking, “Why did I do that? I didn’t mean to be so sharp.” An overreaction is your body’s way of releasing pent up emotions that haven’t been properly dealt with. 

All Emotions Have Value. 

The first thing we do wrong is to label certain emotions as ‘negative’, or ‘bad’. In reality, all emotions have profound value. Author Joie Seldon explains that emotions are a physiological information system. They are the language of the physical body telling you about your relationship to whatever is going on outside you (to people, your circumstances) or to yourself internally. They are prompting you to action that is optimally beneficial to your survival and well-being. Seldon describes sadness, for example, as an inward moving energy, it slows us down and it’s message is to take action to process and honor what has been lost. Fear is a protective emotion who’s message is to ‘pay attention’ - either to something outward or to something on the inside. And anger is an outward moving energy. It is a boundary setting emotion who’s message is to ‘stand in your power’. So when the floods come, welcome them, and ask what message your body is trying to tell you.

Another mistake we make is that in the heat of the moment we tend to focus only on our present emotional state and think it will last forever. During an argument with your partner, suddenly all past and future good times are forgotten, she has never done anything good for you, and essentially has ruined your life. You forget that 24 hours earlier you were happily playing tennis together and tomorrow you will have forgotten what the argument was even about. Author Sonja Lyubomirsky points to research that older individuals are happier than younger ones partly because they have learned through experience that difficult emotional states don’t last, and as a result they can weather them with optimism. They are able to be aware of what they are feeling without overly identifying with it. One practice that helps develop this skill is the leaves on a stream exercise found here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r1C8hwj5LXw

Recognize, Allow, Investigate, Nurture. 

The practice of RAIN is an excellent method to develop a good relationship with emotions. It involves 1) Being mindful of and naming the emotion, 2) Allowing it to be there just as it is, “This Belongs”, 3) Investigating with kindness, “What most wants attention?”, and 4) Nurturing with self compassion. You can try this practice with Tara Brach here: https://youtu.be/wm1t5FyK5Ek

Processing v. Ruminating. 

Processing leads to acceptance and release, but if you are stuck in a negative loop of replaying past hurts, if the feeling has the same intensity without moving toward solutions or feelings of resolution, then this is rumination. Rumination doesn’t produce new ways of thinking, new behaviors or acceptance. If you find yourself stuck, you can move toward processing by asking yourself “What have I learned from this situation? In what ways have I grown? What is the message for me? What is my plan of action according to my values?” 

And Be Kind to Yourself. 

I think the key to dealing with emotions is learning self-compassion. Emotions aren’t weakness, they are human. And, as far as I know, everyone is human and has a need for kindness, especially from our worst inner critics. Dr. Jared Warren’s Self-Compassion course is a game changer and I highly recommend it: https://courses.mybestself101.com/p/self-compassion/?coupon_code=SC-HALF&product_id=1322651 

After an emotional day of cleanup, I stood with Barb outside her gutted home on dry ground with the sunlight bouncing off the plaster in her hair. I felt assured that she would be okay. She was smiling and laughing with us, telling us of her gratitude for the support of friends and faith. The flood waters had receded from this house, and they would recede from her. 


The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.

Jan 31, 2023

by Andrea Hunsaker

You may recall the hierarchy of needs you learned about in Psychology class. It depicts Abraham Maslow's theory of motivation—the things a human needs to live their best life. The picture in your book would look like a pyramid, with self-actualization (being all you can be) at the top, psychological needs in the middle (esteem, belonging), and basic needs at the bottom (security, safety, food, water, warmth), (and probably a previous student’s contribution at the base - WiFi - 100% accurate in my case).

But toward the end of his life, Maslow expanded his theory. He recognized the peak of human experience was more than achieving a person’s individual potential. Being our best self isn’t just about our self. He recognized through his research that people could, and do, rise above themselves and connect to something greater, and that humans need this connection to the whole in order to be whole. His revised theory looks like this with self-transcendence at the peak of human potential:

Self-transcendence is a merging between the self and the world around you; it is expanding the boundaries of yourself to include something greater (a cause, nature, humanity, or the universe). Let me give you a few examples of increasingly transcendent experiences:

I was out jogging along a dirt road when out of the corner of my eye I saw 3 little goats running toward me. I stopped and let them investigate my knees. I was honored that these beautiful creatures instantly trusted me and I felt a connection and a concern for their welfare. Their needs became mine. I didn’t want them to get lost or hit in the road, so I led them back to their nearby farm, rang the doorbell and chatted with the thankful owner as she returned them to their enclosure. For those minutes all the usual insecurities about myself were gone, all was right in the world. I had even forgotten about the triangular patch I wore between my eyes that day to keep me from squinting in the sun and deepening my frown lines, and when I remembered mid-conversation with the goat mom, it didn’t even phase me, and I didn’t even lie about my name or plan a new running route to never see her again. Now, I feel a warmth in my chest every time I run by my little goat buddies.

An experience of peace and awe:
A fresh six inches of snow had fallen overnight, and after shoveling the driveway, I went out and laid down in a clearing in our Michigan forested property. I remember a great silence and an overwhelming sense of peace and warmth as I looked at the sky and the sparkling snow covered landscape. I felt like I was a part of it all—the unspeakable beauty, mystery and majesty. The magnificent snow covered world that included me was just right as it was. It is hard to describe, but I have never forgotten that feeling of awe and belonging.

I was on one of my first astrophotography adventures, alone at about 2:00 am, overlooking Delicate Arch in Arches National Park (Utah). I was waiting for the moon to set so I could have the darkest sky possible to photograph the Milky Way. I sat there for at least a couple hours in the deep quiet, admiring the unique sandstone landscape and the brilliant expanse of stars. I still don’t know what made this happen, but as I continued to take in the scene, I started to feel myself being absorbed into it. Instead of a sense of looking out from a place inside my head, it was as if I had no head, no body. There wasn’t a “me” anymore. I was the whole landscape, the whole sky. There was a sense of extraordinary calm and satisfaction. Everything was perfect, and nothing could change that, not even death. -Jared Warren

Transcendent experiences (often called peak experiences) are surprisingly common. About ⅓ of the U.S. population reports they have had an experience where they have ‘felt at one with all things’ (Yaden, et al. 2017). The religious and non-religious alike, throughout time, across culture, age, gender, and socioeconomic status all report having peak experiences (Maslow, 1964). Though these unusual moments of awe, joy, serenity and wonder come as gifts, unplanned and uncontrolled, we can cultivate a way of being to be more receptive to them. Flow states, gratitude, savoring, mindfulness and meditation, spending time in nature, spiritual practices like prayer and pondering, intimate moments with family or friends, and aesthetic or artistic appreciation all foster states of transcendence where we can rise above the usual worries about the self and feel a part of something more. It turns out that the best life is when me becomes us.

If the subject of ‘getting over yourself’ interests you, try exploring the module on Transcendence on mybestself101.org. There you’ll learn more about what it is, why it’s worth pursuing, and find ideas to cultivate and allow it to enrich your life.

“At the deepest level, there is no giver, no gift, and no recipient…only the universe rearranging itself."— Jon-Kabat Zinn

References

Maslow, A. (1964). Religions, values, and peak-experiences. Columbus: Ohio State University Press.

Yaden, D. B., Haidt, J., Hood, R. W., Jr., Vago, D. R., & Newberg, A. B. (2017). The varieties of self-transcendent experience. Review of General Psychology, 21(2), 143–160. https://doi.org/10.1037/gpr0000101. 

Image retrieved from: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow%27s_hierarchy_of_needs

2. Image retrieved from: https://www.iands.design/architecture/article/10168474/look-to-maslows-hierarchy-to-see-design-and-architecture-impacts

Jan 4, 2022

It was a black night. Two dozen figures with narrow eyes directed at me crouched silently beyond the campfire eager to eat me alive. I was frozen, my heart thundering in my head drowning out logical thought. I knew they could smell my fear as they waited for my next move. I was at a retreat giving a presentation around a campfire to a group of teenage girls and had just asked a question. Silence. No, whatever sound contempt makes, that’s what I heard. That and the mocking of my self-critic in my head. But then I noticed something else - crickets. Loud actual crickets in the nearby forest. The situation struck me as funny, so I remarked, “Crickets!? Tough crowd,” with a dramatic tug on my collar. The girls chuckled, transformed from predators back to partially grown humans, and my brain rebooted, I skillfully reworded the question, and several girls volunteered thoughtful responses.

Feb 23, 2021

Considering what we know about the importance of supportive relationships to health and happiness, Gottman’s research on couple relationships is gold. We know, on average, that married people are more healthy both physically and mentally. In fact, a person’s romantic relationship affects their health just as much as diet and exercise (Robles et al., 2014). But these effects go both ways. A relationship in distress deteriorates health and well-being. So, Gottman’s extensive research on how happy relationships work and what happens between couples in troubled waters can be both a user's guide to nurturing your partnership and a caution for what not to do.

Beware the Four Horsemen

It can get pretty boring in the observation room behind the “love lab,” so Gottman asked his participants to get in a fight. He asked them to discuss an ongoing disagreement, and discovered that troubled relationships had certain things in common. Happy couples fight and argue and even have screaming matches, but there was a difference in the way they did it. The troubled relationships heading for divorce included some form of what Gottman calls the four horsemen of the apocalypse (signaling the end of days…get it?).

1. Criticism - This is more than just a complaint, which focuses on a specific behavior (e.g. “I wish you shoveled the driveway yesterday like you said you would”). Criticism is an attack on the partner’s character or personality (e.g. “You never follow through with your promises. I can’t count on you”).

2. Contempt - This is criticism in hulk form—full of hostility or disgust. It often includes sarcasm, mocking, and name calling (e.g. “You’re such an idiot”). An eye roll is a tell-tale sign of contempt. It essentially gives the message, “I am better than you.”

3. Defensiveness - This is a refusal to take responsibility for a problem, and counter attacking or cross complaining. (“It’s not me, it’s you.”)

4. Stonewalling - This is when a partner shuts down from the conversation. They put up a wall and offer no evidence that they are affected by what the other is saying. (“Whatever, I don’t care.”)

“The crimes of the heart are usually misdemeanors.— Christensen, Doss & Jacobson (2014)

The Antidotes

If you recognize some of these in your romantic relationship, all is not lost. While Dr. Gottman was researching marriages, he met his wife, clinical psychologist Julie Schwartz Gottman. Together, they are the dream team of saving troubled marriages and making relationships go from “okay” to “great.” Combining research with clinical practice, they have discovered the antidotes for the four horsemen.

1. The antidote to criticism is to make requests about a specific behavior instead of attacking your partner's character. This can be done by avoiding the word “you” and using “I”-statements to talk about your feelings. Doing this will create a “gentle start-up”—the ability to address a problem gently without insulting your partner. Conversations that start this way are much more likely to go well because the receiving partner is more willing to listen and compromise.

2. The antidote to contempt is appreciation. Russ Harris, author of ACT with Love, suggests a person identify 3 things each day about their partner. Appreciating your partner’s strengths and qualities and recognizing even small things that your partner does for you instantly warms the relationship, and with repetition, strengthens the bonds between you:

“3 Things I Noticed Today That I Appreciate About My Partner”

“3 Ways My Partner Contributed to My Life Today”

“3 Things My Partner Said or Did Today That Represent Their Best Strengths and Qualities”

Find the worksheet here: http://eightfoldcounseling.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/13-Appreciating-Your-Partner.pdf

3. Accepting responsibility for the ways you contribute to the problem is the antidote for defensiveness. Try not to take it personally. Remember: the problem is the problem, not you or your spouse. Be open to seeing things from your partner’s perspective. Being willing to say “I'm sorry” goes a loooong way. And self-compassion helps here too. It also helps to see the longing in your partner’s complaint. The wife who is upset that her husband comes home late really just wants to spend more time with him.

4. Self-soothing is the antidote for stonewalling. The Gottmans found that those who stonewalled were physiologically flooded. They had racing heart rates and were in a fight/flight state which made it impossible to think, let alone come to a peaceful understanding. Tell your partner that you need a break and that you would like to come back to the conversation in 20 minutes (that’s how long the Gottmans found it takes). During that time, ground yourself with something that soothes you, like meditating—the RAIN practice is an excellent choice—or reading a book. Then, come back to the conversation with some space from your thoughts and feelings.

There is no such thing as a perfect relationship, and it doesn’t have to be! A little nurturing and intentional attention to your significant other is an investment in health and happiness for the both of you. May you love and be loved on your life's journey with a good friend beside you. Find more resources to tend to your relationships here.

“As soon as I saw you, I knew a grand adventure was about to happen."— Winnie the Pooh

References

Christenses, A., Doss, B., & Jacobson, N. (2014). Reconcilable Differences. Guilford Press.Robles, T., Slatcher, R., Trombello, J., Mcginn, M. (2014). Marital quality and health: A meta-analytic review. Psychology Bulletin, 140, 140–87. 

Dec 29, 2020

My eyes drift over to my own dog, Kody, not yet a year old, settled on top of the couch (where he’s not allowed to be). Along with approximately 100% of the rest of the country, we got a puppy this year. I thought our family of 4 kids and 2 bunnies was complete and I was perfectly happy without a dog. But after 2 decades of listening to their pleading, I finally gave in to my children and husband, and we chose a breed that promised to be perfect in every way, and was often trained as a therapy dog. Who couldn’t use a calming, accepting presence in their life?

Well, Kody must have been switched at birth with a badger because our therapy dog needs therapy. The poor thing is anxious. Kody started out in a puppy training class of 8 dogs. He barked so much the first day they gave him a special lavender calming collar. The second class, we were moved to a corner in the back of the room where he could only see a few dogs; still he barked and growled tirelessly at all his new and threatening classmates and their owners. By the third class, a couch was moved in front of us so he couldn’t see anyone at all and an extra trainer had the sole job of throwing bits of cheese from a safe distance to try to keep him quiet so the other frustrated participants could hear the instructions. Now, we don’t know why exactly, but class attendance started dwindling, and by the last two classes Kody and I were the only participants.

So when Dr. Warren connects learning to meditate to puppy training, this is what I think of. It’s the difficult practice of not reacting to the stream of thoughts, feelings, and experiences that constantly compete for our awareness. It is the maturity of sitting, observing, and recognizing that not everything is as threatening as it seems. Like my mind, Kody wanders. He chases cars and skateboarders and small children, trying to rid the earth of the threats of squirrels and blowing leaves. But we gently pull him back on his leash—“It’s okay, you don’t need to chase that, sit, stay, look at me, focus, be calm, you are getting worked up when you don’t have to.”

Wandering and getting distracted are natural things minds do to see things as threats. It’s almost like we all have an anxious puppy in our heads. Our primitive fight-or-flight responses kick in before the newer prefrontal cortex has a chance to weigh in. The result is that it takes some time to know how you really want to react. According to your puppy brain? Or according to your values? 

And that’s what meditation does for you. It trains your brain to observe without reacting until the puppy has calmed down, everything is processed and you can now act from your values instead of Kody running the show. Imagine what different choices you would make if you were less reactive. Personally, I would eat differently, have better relationships, and generally live from a place of greater ease, to name a few. The Dalai Lama once said, “If every 8 year old in the world is taught meditation, we will eliminate violence from the world within one generation.” 

Meditating is simple, but it’s not easy. Luckily, there are lots of resources to help you. The apps Insight Timer and Headspace are great, and you can find mindfulness resources on My Best Self 101’s Mindfulness Module. And you may already be participating in a form of contemplative meditation without realizing it! One poll found that 7 out of 10 Americans pray every day. Prayer can be a sort of meditation because you’re taking the time to slow down and focus your awareness. Personally, I benefit from taking a step beyond a “laundry list of requests” and instead spending time simply being in the presence of the divine, accepting what is, and viewing life from a higher perspective. Mother Teresa was once interviewed by Dan Rather. He asked her, “When you pray, what do you say to God?” She replied, “I don’t say anything. I listen.” So then he asked, “When God speaks to you, then, what does he say?” She told him, “He doesn’t say anything. He listens.” Rather didn’t know what to say to this, so Mother Teresa added, “And if you don’t understand that, I can’t explain it to you.”

I’ll give you an embarrassing glimpse of what goes on in my mind. (John Edmunds says, “Don’t walk a mile in my shoes, that would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head, that’ll really freak you out.”) So, I’m standing in line behind a slow patron writing a check at the grocery store. The belt is empty but moving. I wait for a bit behind my cart, and then step in front of it to start loading my groceries at the end of the belt. The cashier is alarmed and asks me to step back and keep 6 feet from the person in front of me. Here my brain goes full puppy; I feel unfairly attacked and I have a fierce urge to jump up on the conveyor belt with the eggs, glide toward him, AND...well, let’s not kid ourselves. I’m more of a flighter than a fighter, so the fantasy stops here. But, instead, I’ve been meditating, so I feel my irritation rise, and watch the thoughts in my head, “What!? I’m not doing anything wrong!” Then watch as the anger turns to shame: “Someone doesn’t approve of me. I’m not good enough.” Here my prefrontal cortex starts catching up: “It’s okay. This isn’t a survival situation. Everyone feels rejected sometimes. You are a conscientious person. It stings, but it’s temporary. He’s just trying to be a good person, too. I breathe, feel my heartbeat, the heat in my face, feel the waves wash over me, and feel them start to dissipate. This is what it’s like to be human. By the time I’m in front of the cashier, I have distance enough from my own thoughts to notice he is older, tired. I notice he hesitantly greets me, takes a cautious look at me. Because I’ve been meditating, I’m not shooting laser beams at him from my eyes. He asks about my choice of strawberry lemon ice cream. I sincerely engage in conversation. I don’t bark at him.

Back on my living room couch, Kody has moved to my lap as the professor lists the research-supported evidence of meditation’s benefits; greater happiness and less anxiety and depression, a stronger immune response, higher intelligence, and improved creativity and cognitive flexibility. In other words, training a mind is worth it. It takes effort. It takes constant correction and patience. And it doesn’t work to get frustrated at yourself. Puppies and minds don’t respond well to negativity. And you can’t stay mad at that face anyway. Kody ate 6 pairs of my flip flops...If anyone else did that, they would definitely not be invited back; but, well, he’s so dang cute and loyal.

Dogs and minds need training for their own good. All those puppy classes for Kody—they were really a means to save him from himself. Otherwise he would suffer a painful death by...I don't know, hypothetical situation, okay actual situation...trying to jump out of a moving jeep at 40 mph to chase a pedestrian, but being pulled back in the nick of time. Training is for the dog's well-being. Disciplining some natural tendencies makes a happier dog and happier everyone else around him. So, I would venture to say that those who enjoy meditation the least are those who need it the most. The anxious, busy, impatient mind doesn’t want to stay still, but you can train it to. You are just like an untrained puppy, and that’s okay.

But I won’t tell you that you should meditate. If you’re like me, you might be overloaded with advice about how to live. I’m guessing your list of ‘things I know are good for me that I’m not doing as much as I would like’ is as long as mine. But I’ll plant a seed. And one day, when that puppy in your head has gotten you into enough trouble, you’ll know where to turn. Because when the student is ready, the teacher appears. I’ll just tell you that the effort of training your mind to watch and wait is worth it. Life is better here in the prefrontal cortex. And please, until you do—and I say this with the deepest of respect—try not to eat my flip-flops. 

Aug 20, 2019

“Comparison is the thief of joy” Theodore Roosevelt once quipped. So, there you have it - just don’t compare? Great advice… except that it’s impossible. The advice to simply stop comparing yourself to others is about as helpful as telling your lungs to stop breathing. The human brain must make comparisons to make sense of the world and assess our survival standing. It’s automatic and you can’t just stop. But there is a way to relate to the comparisons your brain makes that doesn’t leave you feeling inadequate all the time. [drum roll] Self-compassion.

I recently sat and watched the Broadway show Hamilton, and amidst the wonder and delight of the musical journey was a twinge. You see, I have a nice voice, and at one time I dreamed that I might also have made those sounds with my pipes. So, instead of completely enjoying the magnificent show, mixed in the experience was also a little prick of hidden hopes and deflated dreams. 

I may just be a competitive person, but it happens more than I like to admit, and I think--I hope--it’s not just me. I’ll be listening to a podcast. Someone who can spin a sentence with eloquence and make the words reflect exactly their thoughts. A talent I wish I had. So, I’ll feel a little green. I don’t exactly wish misfortune on the smooth talking voice, but there’s the twinge. Like a tireless, overachieving intern with a clipboard, my brain eagerly points out what I don’t have as I go about my day; everywhere are tanned legs, wrinkle free foreheads, and eyebrows that don’t have to be drawn on. 

So, in these moments, I’ve started to send myself compassion. I acknowledge that it hurts to feel the pain of something not achieved, a piece of fruit not reached, the heaviness of “I’m not enough”. This is hard. This is suffering. I watch the wave. Honor it. I recognize that this is a part of the human experience. Everyone feels this way about some things. This is not just my suffering, this is our suffering. May I give myself the compassion in this moment that I need. As I have fostered the habit of self-compassion, these little (and sometimes big) twinges have less effect on me. I can more quickly rebound, dismiss unhelpful comparisons and feel grounded by a love and appreciation for myself. When your brain is making unhelpful comparisons, think ENVY:

• E - Evolution of self. You are evolving, growing every day. Compare yourself today with yourself yesterday. Psychologist Sonja Lyubormirsky, notes that "people who are happy use themselves for internal evaluation. It's not that they don't notice upward comparisons, but they stay focused on their own improvement. A happy runner compares himself to his last run, not to others who are faster." When your brain is comparing you to others, send yourself compassion and then make the conscious effort to “Compare Me to Me”. Find satisfaction in your own evolution.
• N - Nurture. How does their talent nurture you? Recognize how you benefit from others’ good qualities and cultivate a joy for their success. See how you are connected with this person. See how their success helps to build and elevate you. Mudita is the Sanskrit word for sympathetic or vicarious joy. It is likened to the pure joy a parent might have for a child's happiness. Self-compassionate people are better able to experience Mudita because they see that all humans not only share suffering, but also joy. Connecting to the common suffering of humanity also connects us to the common joy. The simple fact that you can see the good in another person also means there is at least some of it in you too. Think Namaste, “The light in me sees the light in you.”
• V - Validity Check. Like a funhouse mirror, the eyes of envy are distorted. Check the validity of your thoughts about this comparison. Look at the bigger picture of yourself and others, the whole truth. See the whole person. We often callously compare others’ strengths to our weaknesses. Self-compassion recognizes your strengths in other areas. Ask the question, “What is the Whole Truth?”
• Y - Yet. You are not there YET. Foster a growth mindset. Recognize that abilities and intellect are not fixed. Self-compassionate people are more willing to try and less afraid of failure because they can count on themselves for the support they need to recover from setbacks. With effort and training, you can grow in yourself the talents you admire in others. See the journey that it took for this person to get where they are. If you get the chance you might ask them how they got there. Practice, Fail, Learn, Repeat. Tell yourself, “I’m not there... YET.”

Envy is a form of suffering. Self-compassion doesn’t judge the struggle (as in shame on you for doing deadly sin #7). It honors the desire for wanting something good and the pain of not having it. Compassion means “to suffer with”, so self-compassion is being there for yourself in these difficult moments as you would for a good friend. How life changing would it be to have a loving, supportive, friend with you all the time speaking in your ear who truly understood and appreciated you? 

Building self-compassion takes practice and effort and reading this article is a great first step. The free Self-Compassion module on mybestself101.org is a great next step, and taking the self-compassion course on that site will give you a 30-day roadmap for transforming self-criticism into self-compassion.